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Happy New Year’s Eve, all. We hope yours is safe and fun.
The print journalists of the world will certainly enjoy themselves this evening. For them, this is the end of the craziest two weeks of the year, when they’ve got to crank out their publications in exactly half the usual time to allow for late December’s long weekends. They begin around November 30th with the best of intentions, writing immense to-do lists, cutting down on the nightcaps, sleeping and rising early. Then, inevitably, things go wrong. They procrastinate; freelancers fall through; the art director goes on a bender.
Sensing that circumstances are about to wreak havoc with their publication schedules, editors will, at this time, assign some of their editorial bench-warmers fluffy, easy-to-write stories that take approximately 30 minutes to compose, and which have something to do with Xmas, Kawanza, or New Year’s Eve. (Chanukah is excluded, as it comes earlier in the month.) One of the most common space-filler New Year’s Eve stories is something called “Local Psychic Forecasts XXX For 200X.”
Just so you’ll have an idea of what kind of year is beginning tonight, I’ve summarized some of those stories below.
Psychic Source, allegedly the Unites States’ “oldest and most respected psychic service,” predicts through PR Newswire that Oprah will move into politics this spring, and that the US economy, though “much changed,” will continue its “sporadic comeback.” Tiger Woods will remain “golf-free” for one year before returning to the sport “at the top of his game.” Brangelina will not last the spring.
Lauren Daly, of SouthCoast Today (though apparently on loan from an organ called The Spirit of Fall River), did her due diligence and interviewed no fewer than three psychics for a piece entitled “Psychics predict growth, unity for Fall River in 2010.” Spiritual advisor Gail Hicks says that the town of Fall River has lately harbored some kind of “deceit,” but that people are moving past it and will soon begin working together. Psychic Jane Barmash insists that, thanks to the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, the job market will see a slight recovery in the next twelve months. Medium Jackie Barrett says Britney Spears will write a tell-all book, and that Rudy Giuliani will have a “good” year.
In Brisbane’s The Courier Mail, Brisbanite Juliana Suranyi predicts that Brangelina will be just fine through 2010, though “don’t predict any wedding bells.” Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon will be nominated for Oscars, and Britney Spears will finally “go stellar.” Tiger Woods will remain married, and there will be trouble in Australia’s Liberal Party.
In Toronto, “Psychic Nikki” — who informs us that she has accurately predicted such events as the 9/11 attacks on New York and Washington and the death of Michael Jackson — has told floundering conservative rag The National Post that Barack Obama may well be assassinated this year. (Note: to see Psychic Nikki’s full list of predictions for 2010, click here.)
The New York Press had the novel idea of consulting an astrosexologist; unfortunately, all she could tell us was that our money situation will not improve appreciably in 2010 — unless we’re Pisceans, Cancers, or Aquarians, in which case we’re likely to “strike it rich.” (If we’re Scorpios, Leos, or Virgos, we will spend 2010 poor but well-sexed.) A fellow named Psychic Hank chimes in to tell us that Ashton Kutcher shall soon be working on a “nature project,” which I assume is some kind of nudist thing.
At the JREF, we support Ashton Kutcher in his naturist efforts, and scowl at whichever editor allowed that repugnant thing about Barack Obama into print. (He’s a family man, guys. Have a little decency.) And we have predictions of our own. In 2010, Sarah Palin will say something stupid and Keith Olbermann will make fun of it, looking smug. Ben Bernanke will, after much consideration, decide not to radically alter his signature beardlet, while Angela Merkel will continue to look meaner by the day. Steven Tyler will remain in Aerosmith. Furthermore, TAM8 will be awesome.
Farewell, 2009!
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) The dawning of the Age of Aquarius was some 40 years ago.
